The Blog from the Black Subconscious

^ (B Movie title of DOOM!) Anyway, this blog is of a slightly more serious nature than the previous ones but I'll try my best not to turn emo on you all. My current friendship circle is a lot different to what it was this time last year during the peak of my mental illness and a lot of people don't know the full story of what it is all about. Basically, a lot of crap happened during my early stages of adolesence which weren't 'normal' (sic) which effected the way I look at the world. I began to have "conversations" in my head with many different "things", including God, Satan, My own self/other personalities, and pretty much everyone who knew. Mostly I'd stay awake at obscene hours of the night yelling (internally usually) at "people" because 3 or 4 voices would be arguing with 3 or 4 other voices. This led to multiple (lame) attempts at suicide including, Jumping off cliffs near my house into the Swan River, Strawberry Gashes and Overdose on Medication. None of these were serious enough for anybody else to notice unless I told them (The OD knocked me out quite a few times, that is about it). Funny enough, I also began to hate water... wonder why? hehehe. Ya, this happened a few times until the end of term 1 year 12 where everything was rightly fucked up. Then I told my parents about the voices when they were yelling at me for not getting straight A's. My dad never did, or has believed me and my mother was like "We'll just call the doctor and he'll prove you wrong". A few weeks later, I changed my subjects from Chem, Physics and Applic to History, P&L and Discrete. This helped a bit because they were easier (except P&L but I was over caring at that point). Also, I got refered to a really crappy psychiatrist. The only things he did were give me drugs and write a note to the Curriculum Council saying my TEE results might be a bit screwed and please take this into account. He didn't actually help me deal long-term with my problems. The medication was really bad at first. I would either become what you guys call "drunk", which is not cool or fun. OR I would be knocked out for a few good hours (say, 12). Eventually I got the right stuff and most of the voices stopped. This helped a lot because after that I could talk to people without hearing them yell at me in my head, I could concentrate in silence a little better (I still can't do it too well) and best of all, I had a reason to feel confident and happy about the day. Wewt. As the months progressed to August/September I changed completely. I became comfortable with who I was to a point where I'll tell anyone that Vampires are hot, male or female, and blood is awesome. Because of this, I began to talk to much more people, and I moved "hang out" locations from some spot with Brett, Luke and annoying Yr 8-10s to the Tree/Corner/Hang out spot that everyone else was at. Most of these people accepted me immediately. Wewt, you guys rock and you have no idea how much that saved my life *hugs you all*. Yeah, after that I became pretty much who I am now. I'm still afraid of the moon, and of movement in the dark because in the past they would become personified in my head and yell at me but I also embrace the dark. It is really wierd. If I lie still in darkness, everything petrifies me. But if I'm walking, then I love everything, dark shapes, stalkers, wierd noises. I don't take medication anymore because my prescription ran out and I refuse to see my psychiatrist again because he's crap but that isn't to say I don't still need them. Generally I'll be fine if I'm with a group of people I like (unless something happens to make me lose faith in them.) But as soon as I'm alone, I'm like "aaagh! Everything is so sad and crappy! (The internet doesn't count as being alone because I speak to people online). Recently, my support network has extended from "Olivia" to "Olivia, Roberto, Suresh Ben-chan, Riordan " and this huge increase in people who I can trust and depend on has made me much more confident in meeting new people at uni. Which I have done! Yay! Yeah so that is the part about me which I willingly tell people about. There are still a lot of things about me which I keep to myself, but if someone is curious enough to ask me about, I'll answer as best as I can. Sorry it was so long but thanks to anyone who had the patience to read about me! *hugs except Roberto who is way too homophobic for his own good* On another note: My blood results came in: Type O Negative (I feel so emo) Normal Iron Count/Haemoglobin thingy. The second one is important because, as long as I don't go back on medication, I can drink alcohol without it making me super drunk super quick (I'll still be fucked on if I get "drunk" but I won't get drunk any quicker that a normal person). I don't know why I'm saying this because I still don't like beer or most spirits but mehs. Baileys/Kaluha for the win now!!! Long post today, I might not put another one in for a while to give people time to read it if they want. Byes everyone! PS: I'll just add this now instead of putting a new blog. Your Quirk Factor: 81% You're beyond quirky... You're downright bizarre. You've lost touch with social norms and what's appropriate. And you're loving every minute of it! How Quirky Are You? Your Blog Should Be Purple You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything. You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey. You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say. What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?