Flesh Mechanic

Everyone has fears and secrets so why does it come as a surprise when they're discovered. For me describing my irrational fears starts with the good old standard; English student needs to question the use of words. "irrational" a (1): not endowed with reason or understanding (2): lacking usual or normal mental clarity or coherence b: not governed by or according to reason Does this mean that irrational fears are ones that we don't understand. Or ones that we have that don't make any sense? It's an important distinction. Lets take three of my main fears. Spiders. The Full Moon. Becoming physically disabled. Which of these make sense and which of them don't I understand. I understand them all perfectly; Spiders are freaky. They move in a way that creeps me out. They're this perfectly designed predator. If they were bigger more people would be scared of them. But I'm not afraid that I'll become their prey, I'm just afraid of them because of how I was programmed as a child. I can vividly recall at least three completely different traumatic incidents involving spiders I experienced at various younger ages. Irrational because there's no reason to fear them. Rational because I understand whyI do. Back when I was all up on meds the full moon used to talk to me every cycle. Tell me how the 'children of the sun' were unclean. How I should join his powerful army or he'd send those who obeyed him already to torture me into submission. Voices on the inside of your mind that you can't block out with other coversations, loud music or earmuffs. Irrational because it's the fucking moon. It doesn't talk to people. That's stupid. Rational because I imagined that it did and that was some scary shit. Being disabled. Not having full body function. Losing independence. Having to learn to adapt. Worrying about what other people saw in me. Becoming a minority. Irrational because it's stupid. Disabled people aren't second class citizens. I've never met one person with any sort of physical disability who wanted to change it or who felt their way of life was diminished - no matter if they were born that way or if it was inflicted on them. Rational because it's the unknown. Rational because of the way society is governed by these unwritten and devestating 'norms'. Rational because of how they're represented in the media. What's depressing is that coming to this understanding doesn't do anything to help 'cure' me of my fears. It only seems to cement there existence as justified. I have two completely different opinions of fear: It's natural. Removing "flight" from "flight or fight" would make me want to attack everyone. It's a construct. It occurs because we let it, because we lack the mental self control to tell ourselves "no". I'm leaning towards number 1 more and more these days.